Friday, July 3, 2015

Lisa's scared; hold her

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The following is a reprint of a column written by Review collaborator, Lisa Houserman. She wrote this for Community News in Linesville, PA, and her column is called "Lisa's Rants and Raves."

I was almost at a loss in terms of penning something at all readable this week until I spoke with an advertiser who shone a light on a certain subject. The topic sparked some kind of chemical reaction in my brain, thus making the gray cells leap into action.

Because of the above-mentioned, I shall be bringing you some kind of warped info via this column space, yet again.

She broached the subject of how chilling it is to simply watch the evening news. We bantered back and forth about how frightening items of a newsy nature can be and then I released her from bondage.

I could totally relate to her news apprehension because I, too, have been horrified, petrified, and any other word that ends in “ified,” in terms of the headlines of the day.

For example, I clicked the telly to the on position the other day, almost in passing, only to be startled to full-blown-attention due to what I heard. It was something along the lines of this: ISIS is on the move—sleeper cells are clustering, or whatever sleeper cells do, members of said organization are ready to pounce like, well, Tigger from Winnie the Pooh. Wait—he bounces. Sorry for the confusion. I mean, they had me thinking that armed terrorists were lurking at every turn.

I can feel the unease coming at me full force. I'm not trying to say that this group isn't a total danger because, well, I can't really say that. However, we must do something here to maintain some sort of sanity over it all and I pick this. I can either hide under the computer table, like in the olden days, or try to press on by not taking things too seriously. I am speaking of the news business, after all. Guess what? Sometimes they exaggerate, just a touch, if touch is now defined as “to the max,” to keep viewers tuned in.

I casually asked my son to list just a few things that he has heard, of an alarming nature, as of late. This was, of course, in order to fill this column space. By the time I literally walked from the bedroom to our front door, (eight to ten steps, depending on the stepper), he had spewed forth three items in rapid fire succession.
Now is the time to casually segue into some of those other topics. Brace yourselves.

You might recall a few weeks, or a month, who keeps track, back, there was a horrid plane crash. We can always count on CNN to keep us abreast of all things concerning any crash but, I digress. Plus, I've written about that particular network's obsession with all plane all the time news. Therefore, I shall spare you now by not revisiting that lurid scenario.

At any rate, that tragedy actually did succeed in making me cower in fear. I mean, a man on a suicide mission, took the lives of all on board. Even I cannot bring myself to shrug off such shenanigans for entertainment purposes.

Rather, I will impart how I have decided to deal with planes, in general. I am not flying again unless I'm totally doped up on every kind of legal and illegal drug known to man. There, I said it.

Skipping on, in my delightful fashion, I am not sure if the ISIS threat is more daunting or if actually being pulled over by the police is more perilous. Every week we discover that another person has been killed by those in charge of our safety. Oh dear, my claustrophobia is kicking in because I can feel the dirt covering me in my shallow grave. Sorry but this is unavoidable information that we must all take in.

Whilst taking in said information, I am begging you to visit various news outlets. Don't rely solely on Fox or CNN—wait, they are still covering the plane crash, I'm sure. At any rate, I've now been forced to search the web, gaze at many a telly outlet, peruse papers galore, blah, blah, blah, in order to garner a shred of truth and accuracy. It's no wonder that I don't have time to do house work, cook and keep up with the laundry. Slick one huh?

As I was making my way through an online source, I happened upon Glenn Beck. Oh calm down now. I got pretty curious as to his latest attempts at paralyzing listeners with fear and I was not disappointed. Well, I was, but, you know what I mean.

Allow say that I used to live for this person. I LOVED him with a total, not a partial, but a total, passion. This would have been when he was declaring that he was a libertarian of some sort. Then, about, I don't know, maybe seven years ago, or so, he took more of a turn for coo coo for Cocoa Puffs and I had to end our torrid affair.

fears of a clown

Well, he has come out with some interesting cause and effect as only he could. It goes a little something like this. He said that if gay marriage becomes the law of the land, within five years, 50% of churches will “fall away.” He proceeded to say that the congregants would leave over the whole deal.

I explained his prediction to Best Friend Nurse Karen today, by comparing his exceptionally odd “theory” to the following: “I will get an ingrown toenail of massive proportions next Wednesday because you are on call for your job this weekend.” I mean, it makes as much sense as his bizarre ravings, I think.

What on earth is Glenn Beck talking about? I mean, talk about cause and effect gone awry. Why would gay marriage have any sort of negative ramifications in terms of church attendance, business, whatever one calls it?

My dear mother is a church goer. She has told me, over the years, that the faithful have not been filling the pews—for a while. Mind you, Mother is simply concerned about her church and was not being Judy Judgmental in terms of low presence in the audience. Good gravy, I don't want to get that woman in trouble, AGAIN.

Anyhow, I did gently, yet effectively, let her on a little secret, which she already kind of knew, actually. I imparted that low turn out really has more to do with the fact that agnosticism and atheism are actually on the rise here in the US of A. Non believers are the fastest growing group these days, in other words. I tend to think that scenario is a bit more realistic than our dear GB's lunatic predictions.

Staying on Beck for a minute longer, I'm sorry but I must, I recall that he said something along the lines of Fox News and talk radio going bye-bye due to the first election of President Obama. Hmm, I'm thinking that his Nostradamus meter is off just a tad as, the last time I checked, both are alive and well to this very day.

Well, I've said enough to have the public at large, and small, reaching for the infamous pitchforks so I'm signing off now. I think I've covered all areas of how the news can be downright bloodcurdling. I suppose if one considers the source it eases the fear, just a touch.

For a summary about Glenn Beck, see "Becoming Paul Revere"

For a Mormon criticism of Mr. Beck, see "Rough Stone Soaring"
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